Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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