I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
