I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
