He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
