I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
