Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
