i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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