I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
