He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
