Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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