Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
