Umm I'm too high to move.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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