I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
