I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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