I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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