I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
