so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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