Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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