Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
