then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I forget how to act sober
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
