We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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