Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She even gives head with a lisp.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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