Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
