Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
