The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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