i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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