I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
