wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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