Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
