No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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