I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
What drink are we having for lunch?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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