Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
