I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
