he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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