At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
