I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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