I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
