As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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