shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
