I wish my penis had an off switch
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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