nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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