just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
