I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
