with your own penis?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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