Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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