at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Bring me that man meat
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
