I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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