I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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