she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
