I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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