My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
