my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
