hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
