apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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