I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
