Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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