if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Randomize
