i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
