the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
