I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
