I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
